May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed through the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely from spot. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But yes, guaranteed, let's have An additional put the place American Guys can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: provide All people a set within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single Trump Tower Damascus unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he really should stop using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the job, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from House, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Thoughts from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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